The Friday Four

Meeting Schedule

All upcoming and past meetings for The Friday Four

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Question 12 - Read the section “What is the difference between being codependent and being thoughtful?” on page 122. Read the section on pages 110-114 “What are boundaries?”
Icebreaker: Tell us about one moment you felt peace in the past week

N/A

Back-up:
Topic: Cody and Melanie - Power of 2.
Icebreaker: N/A

Melanie

Back-up:
Topic: Question 13 - Read Chapter Two pages 20-24. Discuss building your own concept of a Higher Power. Where have you put your misplaced faith in the past? Discuss surrender and letting go of your controlling and avoidance behaviors. Read the sections on pages 114-116: "What is enmeshment?", "What is detachment?", and "What is the difference between detachment and avoidance?". How can feelings be resolved? How can you emotionally detach from those on whom you compulsively rely? Read the section on page 101 “Do I have to believe in God to recover?”
Icebreaker: Share one thing you're grateful for in your recovery journey right now

Lindsey

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Question 14 - Read Step Two pages 33-37. Are you willing to entertain the possibility that there is a power that can do for you what you could not do for yourself? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Continuing to act in a self-destructive manner is insane, but nothing changes until you turn away from your addictions and from the people with whom you’re obsessed. Discuss and reflect upon the concept of insanity as it applies to you in CoDA.
Icebreaker: What's one small act of self-care you practised since we last met?

Avery

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Question 15 - Re-read Step Two page 33-37. Make a list of attributes of a Higher Power with whom you would like to have a relationship. What do you really want from your God?
Icebreaker: Tell us about a feeling you allowed yourself to fully experience rather than push away

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Question 16 -

Re-read Step Two pages 36-37, beginning with “We remember…”.

Write what is meant when it says “We begin placing this relationship first.”

Discuss the statement “your Higher Power does not accomplish your recovery work for you; you must do your share.”

What is your part? What needs to be done to develop and strengthen your relationship with your Higher Power?
Icebreaker: Share a boundary you honored recently, no matter how small

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Question 17 -

Re-read Chapter Two pages 23-24 beginning with the second paragraph "To keep our relationship with our Higher Power in perspective..."

- Discuss perfectionism and why it is an illusion.
- To keep perspective, why is it important to prioritize your relationships?
- What relationship needs to come first?
- What relationship comes second?
- What relationships come third?

Discuss the anticipated miracles of recovery.
Icebreaker: What's one way you connected with your Higher Power since our last meeting?

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Question 18 -

Read Chapter Three introduction “A suggested program of recovery” on pages 25- 28.

- What does the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous consist of?
- Are you keeping track of your progress on My Daily CoDA Program Journal?
- Why will a half-hearted attempt to work the Steps leave you feeling self-defeated?

“Your journey through the Steps may be the most difficult work you ever attempt.”
- Do you see working the Steps as an overwhelming task?
- What are the rewards of recovery?
- Are you willing to work the Steps daily as a part of your personal recovery?

Discuss.
Icebreaker: What's one thing your inner child needed this week?

Avery

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Question 19 -

Re-read Step Two pages 33-37 and the section on page 102-103 “Why doesn't CoDA refer to God or our Higher Power as he or she?”

Reflect upon your childhood exposure to any religious concepts.

On one side of a two- column balance sheet list your negative feelings and on the other side your positive feelings as they relate to early religious experience.

What conclusion do you reach when you reflect on the balance sheet?
Icebreaker: Share something you're proud of that has nothing to do with helping someone else

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Question 20 -

Read Step Three pages 37-41.

Create another balance sheet. On one side, list all the reasons that you can believe in God. On the other side, list all your reasons for disbelief.
Icebreaker: Tell us about a moment when you chose yourself this week

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Question 21 -

Re-read Step Three pages 37-41.

- Why not give God a chance where you have failed?
- What do you have to lose but your misery?
- Discuss why this program is not a “flash in the pan.”
- Are you willing to ask God for help more than once?
Icebreaker: Share something you're hoping will be different 6 months from now

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Question 22 -

Read the section “How do I learn to trust?” on page 123.
- Did you learn early not to trust?
- Have you been overly trusting?
- What is appropriate trust?
- Why is it important to learn to be able to trust ourselves and our Higher Power first?
Icebreaker: Describe a moment this week when you felt truly heard and understood.

Cody

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Question 23 -

- Discuss the idea of calling a “HALT” when your life gets unmanageable.
- Taking good care of yourself is your responsibility.
- HALT reminds you to not allow yourself to get too H = hungry, A = angry, L = lonely, or T = tired.
Icebreaker: What's one healthy habit you've started or want to start incorporating into your routine?

Avery

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Question 24 -

Read the section “What is the purpose of prayer and meditation?” on page 102. Discuss.

Get a box or container that is precious to you. Put it in a special place and dedicate it as your “God Box.”

In addition to prayer and meditation, the God box is a physical symbol for taking Step Three. You will use the God box when you get to Question 29.
Icebreaker: Share a challenge you faced in setting a boundary and how you handled it.

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Question 25 -

Read the section “Do I have to forgive those who hurt me?” on pages 123-124.

Discuss why blaming anyone is actually hurtful to yourself, while forgiving too early can only be a temporary fix.

Therefore, what needs to be done before forgiveness can give you a lasting release from blaming? What are the benefits of forgiveness?
Icebreaker: Tell us about a book, podcast, or resource that has inspired you recently.

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Question 26 -

Re-read Step Three pages 37-41.
- Are you willing to decide to trust God to care for all you consider precious and important?
- Are you willing to rely on your Higher Power to provide you with peace, happiness, and well-being?
- What energy will now be available when others are no longer responsible for your happiness & well-being?
- Are you frightened to allow God to take care of you and the other people in your life?
- What are the crossroads where you are standing?
Icebreaker: What’s one thing you did this week that brought you joy?

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Question 27 -

Re-read Step Three pages 39-41.

Create a special place and time to sincerely complete this Step.

When you are ready, this prayer may be helpful: “God, I give to You all that I am and all that I will be for Your healing and direction. Make new this day as I release all my worries and fears to You knowing that You are by my side. Please help me to open myself to Your love, to allow Your love to heal my wounds, and allow Your love to flow through me and from me to those around me. May Your will be done this day and always. Amen.” Make a sincere commitment to your Higher Power to turn your will and all your life over to God’s care.

You may complete this with your sponsor or by yourself. Deep intention is the key to this Step.
Icebreaker: Reflect on a time when you practiced saying "no" without feeling guilty.

Back-up:
Topic:
Icebreaker:

Avery

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Question 28 -

Re-read Step Three on pages 39-41 starting at the second paragraph “We remember…”

Every morning when you awake, renew your decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God.

(You may wish to repeat the Third Step Prayer every day.)

- Make a commitment to actively strengthen your relationship with your God. It is your most important relationship.
- Trust in your Higher Power’s help.
- Ask God for help and guidance.
- Do your part.
- Strive for a life of balance.
- Look for strength and serenity as you grow in trust of God’s continuing presence and care.

Discuss these ideas.
Icebreaker: Share a strategy you use to stay present and mindful during stressful moments.

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Question 29 -

Discuss the saying, “Let Go, and Let God.”

Is there any person, place, or situation with which you are upset or obsessing today?

Each time you are uncomfortable and recognize a lack of peace inside, remember to work Steps One, Two, and Three.

Decide to turn the situation over to the care of your loving Higher Power. Say to yourself, “I am powerless over this person….” Write about the situation.

- What are you feeling?
- What are you needing?
- What is their part?
- What is your part?

Prayerfully surrender the outcome to your Higher Power and put it all in your "God Box".
Icebreaker: What’s one positive affirmation or mantra that helps you stay motivated in your recovery?

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Question 30 -

Reflect on your own personal surrender.

Discuss and share at meetings your experience, strength, and hope from doing these Steps.

Celebrate that you have come this far! Are you willing to commit to begin Step Four?

From now on, while you keep progressing with Steps Four through Nine, practice Steps One, Two, and Three every day. Furthermore, practice Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve to the best of your ability.
Icebreaker: Describe a relationship in your life that supports your personal growth and well-being.

Avery

Back-up: Cody
Topic:
Icebreaker: Share a moment this week when you paused before responding instead of reacting

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic:
Icebreaker: What's one expectation you released since we last met?

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic:
Icebreaker: Tell us about a time you asked for help without apologizing

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic:
Icebreaker: Share one way you honored your own needs before others' wants

Avery

Back-up: Cody
Topic:
Icebreaker: What's something you said "no" to that felt empowering?

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic:
Icebreaker: Describe a moment when you trusted your own judgment

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q1 - Read Step Four on pages 41-49 and Step Five on pages 49-52 in Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Get the big picture of these CoDA Steps.

What attitudes are you striving to have while you do your inventory? How can you use Steps One, Two, and Three to do Step Four? This inventory process is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. You are about to embark on THE GREAT ADVENTURE of Discovering The Lost Parts Of YourSELF! Write in detail about a past adventure that you genuinely enjoyed.
Icebreaker:

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q1 - Read Step Four on pages 41-49 and Step Five on pages 49-52 in Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Get the big picture of these CoDA Steps.

What attitudes are you striving to have while you do your inventory? How can you use Steps One, Two, and Three to do Step Four? This inventory process is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. You are about to embark on THE GREAT ADVENTURE of Discovering The Lost Parts Of YourSELF! Write in detail about a past adventure that you genuinely enjoyed.
Icebreaker: What's one healthy habit you've started or want to start incorporating into your routine?

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q2 - Read the section on pages 117-118, “What is meant by bottom-line behaviors?” What eight triggers are listed in this section? Which are your codependent triggers? How are they
detrimental to your emotional sobriety? Write about these in your journal. Discuss.
Icebreaker: What's something you forgave yourself for recently?

Cody

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q3 - Do you have a “Recovery Toolbox?" Let's fill it with tools to help you cope, tools to shift your thinking and reactions thus preventing you from acting out bottom-line behaviors in the future. As you become more accountable for your behaviors and actively work to change them, your fear and shame subside. What recovery tools have you collected so far? (i.e.: HALT, the Power of Five, "Let Go & Let God", & Positive Affirmations, etc.) What other recovery tools would you like to put in it? Discuss.
Icebreaker: Describe a moment when you chose progress over perfection

Avery

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q4 - Your courage to complete Step Four doesn't come from the absence of fear but your
willingness to walk through it. Ponder and discuss the recovery saying: “F-E-A-R stands for
Face Everything And Recover.” Put this affirmation in your Recovery Toolbox.
Icebreaker: Share one thing you're learning to accept about yourself

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q5 - On page 41 re-read the two paragraphs starting with “Moral inventory of ourselves....” Are
you willing to look at your past behaviors without being critical of yourself? or harsh? or
abusive? Is it okay for the uncomfortable feelings you have been avoiding for so long to come up
to the surface now to be healed? What is your Step Four focus? What is your direction? Discuss
why this inventory must be only of yourself.

Read the section on page 122-123 “What is the difference between blame and accountability?”
Think about being a “rescuer.” What are the imagined benefits of rescuing? How does the
rescuer eventually end up in the "Poor Me!" victim position? Discuss the recovery saying,
“There are no victims, only volunteers.”
o What does a victim get out of being a victim? What does a victim believe to be true?
What does a victim sound like? What do they say? How do they act? How is a martyr the
same as a victim? Why is it a maze of their own creation?
o What does a perpetrator believe? What does a perpetrator sound like? What do they say?
How do they speak? How do they act? How is a perpetrator the same as a victim? What
does a perpetrator get out of criticizing or attacking the victim?
o What does a rescuer believe to be true? What does a rescuer get out of rescuing? What
do they assume? How do they speak? How do they act? How is a rescuer setting
themselves up to be the victim? Have you ever found yourself flipping around all three
corners of the triangle?
Icebreaker: What's a healthy risk you took in expressing your truth?

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q6 - Read the two sections on pages 118-119, “What is a shame spiral?” and "What is fear of
shame?" What seven action steps do you need to take to counteract a shame spiral? Write about
these steps in your journal. Put these in your Recovery Toolbox.
Read the paragraph on page 49 beginning with "When we look...." Many of us learned shame
messages about ourselves from our childhood. We believed lies. We confused “making a
mistake” with “being a mistake.” These messages are categorically untrue. How will practicing
accountability and responsibility minimize your codependency & feelings of shame? Write about
this in your journal.
Icebreaker: Tell us about a time you let someone else handle their own problem

Avery

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Q7 - Read the section on pages 104-106, “What does childhood have to do with our lives today?”
We are searching for clarity. As we take a long hard look at ourselves, deeply buried feelings
may begin to surface bringing about the awareness that in the past we have acted as victim or
victimizer due to our childhood experiences. Write in your journal the feelings & insights that
come up for you. Share with your sponsor or nonjudgmental friends from your meetings.
Icebreaker: Share one way you practiced being present instead of controlling

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q8 - Read and study the three paragraphs on page 42 beginning with "Until now, .... " Meditate on
the words “Spiritual Journey.” In your meditation, vibrantly visualize yourself in a gentle deep
cleansing process. Write in your journal (or draw a picture) what came up for you.
As you begin this journey on the road to recovery, your purpose is to discover the deeply rooted
source of your own codependent characteristics. To do this, you must be patient, loving, and
forgiving of yourself. Which of those three traits would you like to be strengthened in you? How
would you like to go about that?
Icebreaker: What's something you did without seeking approval first?

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q9 - In your journal describe recent experiences of trusting the care of your loving Higher Power.
Who else in your life do you know that has demonstrated gentleness and care in their
relationships with themselves and others? Would you be willing to use their examples of gentle
& loving attributes as role models for your own recovery? Share your insights about this with
your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Icebreaker: Describe a moment when you felt worthy just as you are

Melanie

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q10 - On pages 107-108, read the section “What is the Child Within?” Are you willing to embrace
and accept this part of you that is often unpredictable? Do you want to get back in touch with
experiencing the innocence of life, curiosity of nature, and the spirit of who you truly are?
To keep a balance between both the Parent and the Child within you, read the section on pages
108-110, “What is meant by parenting ourselves?” What is the main intention as we re-parent
ourselves? What is self-talk? What is inner dialogue? What issues does your inner child still have
that needs healing? Discuss.
Write a letter from your inner child to your loving inner parent asking to get your needs met.
Discuss with your sponsor or co-sponsor. Put it in your Self Care Kit.
Icebreaker: Share one thing you're allowing to unfold without forcing it

Avery

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Q11 - Re-read pages 42-45 beginning with "Step Four may appear overwhelming.... “It states that
Step Four is a form of emotional surgery requiring gentleness and care. We are learning to
separate and appreciate our innate goodness from our unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.
Visualize yourself going through emotional surgery, always treating yourself with gentleness and
care. Write about what came up for you during your visualization. Starting today, put aside all
self-condemnation.
Icebreaker: What's a way you celebrated your own growth this week?

Cody

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q12 - Re-read pages 42-45. Read the list of codependent behaviors on page 44 aloud to yourself,
slowly, thinking about how each might or might not have been in your life. Write in your journal
what came up for you. There are always two sides to every situation. We have all reacted or
responded to mistreatment by others and so it’s easy to rationalize or justify some of our
codependent behaviors. How does this only serve to maintain and continue your codependency?
Are you willing to look at your part in the dance?
Icebreaker: Share one thing you're grateful for in your recovery journey right now

Lindsey

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q13 - Read the section “What are boundaries?” in Chapter 5, pages 110-114. Also obtain a copy
and read the pamphlet "Setting Healthy Boundaries" from your CoDA literature person.
Effectively creating, communicating, and maintaining your own healthy boundaries is essential
for your recovery from codependency. Put these seven boundary categories in your Recovery
Toolbox: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual, Sexual, Time, & Money.
Why is it your responsibility to set & maintain them? Next time you watch yourself getting
angry, confused, or uncomfortable, ask yourself “Where do I need to set a better boundary?”
Share your insights with your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Icebreaker: What's one small act of self-care you practised since we last met?

Cody

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q14 - Discuss the concept of external boundaries. Think of your physical body as you exist in time
and space. What is a personal comfort zone? Think about your physical boundaries at home,
work, traveling & recreation, etc. Include the dimensions of healthy exercise, nutrition, plus
having healthy time & financial boundaries. What physical boundaries are you comfortable
with? What physical boundaries are you uncomfortable with? In what ways would you like to
take better care of yourself in these areas. Share your insights with your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Relationship Boundaries can also be based on safety & trust: [Concentric Circles boundary
category model: Acquaintances, Companions, Friends, Close Friends, Intimate Partner, My
Selfhood, My Loving Higher Power.]
Review the last two paragraphs on page 111 finishing on page 112. Write about your sexual
relationship history. Was it selfish or not? Was there any sexual abuse or boundary violations?
What are healthy sexual boundaries? Discuss. (Extra Credit: On page 103 read the section
"What is Thirteenth Stepping?”)
Icebreaker: Tell us about a feeling you allowed yourself to fully experience rather than push away

Lindsey

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Q15 - Read pages 112 &113. Discuss the concept of internal boundaries. What is self-containment?
What is emotional safety? How can you ensure that your self-worth is not diminished by another
person’s words or behavior? Do not internalize others' words, messages, or actions until you can
determine if any of it is hurtful or not. If it is loving, you can bring it into your heart. What
visualizations can you use to protect yourself?
Memorize these five internal boundaries & put them in your Recovery Toolbox:
o I know where I stop, and you begin.
o I know what is my business and what is none of my business.
o I know the difference between my emotions and others’ emotions.
o I recognize what is and what is not my responsibility.
o I am aware what is and what is not comfortable or safe for me.
What comes up for you when you hear these boundaries? How do you feel? Visualize yourself
saying these boundaries to other people. Also visualize stating these boundaries silently to
yourself when you are fearful or communicating with an unsafe person. Write your insights in
your journal.
Icebreaker: Share a boundary you honored recently, no matter how small

Melanie

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q16 - Read the bottom paragraph on page 112 beginning with "We use internal boundaries in
various ways... " What is a healthy amount of personal and/or financial information to share with an intimate partner? a close friend? family members? children? colleagues? or new and/or social
acquaintances? Write your insights and new awareness in your journal.
Icebreaker: What's one way you connected with your Higher Power since our last meeting?

Avery

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q17 - Read and study pages 113-114. Discuss this idea: “We allow others to have their own
thoughts, feelings, opinions, behaviors, beliefs, and spirituality.” Are you willing to be
responsible for your own emotional, mental, and spiritual boundaries? What comes up for you?
Discuss having respect for others' boundaries.
Icebreaker: What's one thing your inner child needed this week?

Cody

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q18 - Discuss the saying, “'NO!" is a complete sentence.”
Icebreaker: Share something you're proud of that has nothing to do with helping someone else

Lindsey

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Q19 - Practice communicating a healthy boundary aloud in a gentle yet firm way which is safe for
you and respectful of them.
Icebreaker: Tell us about a moment when you chose yourself this week

Melanie

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q20 - Ponder the statement “If someone hasn’t dealt with their own lack of boundaries, they
probably will not recognize boundaries in others.” Discuss.
Icebreaker: Share something you're hoping will be different 6 months from now

Avery

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q21 - What is the difference between a “boundary” and a “wall.” When is a wall avoidance and a
detriment to your ability to have healthy relationships? When is a wall necessary & appropriate?
Discuss. Share your insights about boundaries with your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Icebreaker: Describe a moment this week when you felt truly heard and understood.

Cody

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q22 - Are you willing to take very good care for yourself, create emotional safety, and know inner
peace? Write a list of twenty-one loving goals for yourself. (Name three ways in each category
you would like to take better care of yourself)
o physically
o emotionally
o intellectually
o spiritually
o sexually
o financially
o management of your time
Share with your sponsor or co-sponsor. Put this list of goals in your Self Care Kit or God Box.
Ask your Higher Power for help achieving these. Do your part then "Let Go & Let God."
Icebreaker: What's one healthy habit you've started or want to start incorporating into your routine?

Lindsey

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Q23 - With practice, setting healthy boundaries comes more easily and helps free us from our self-
defeating patterns of codependency. Today, while looking into your eyes at yourself in the
mirror, with confidence and self-care, practice setting at least three healthy boundaries stating
out loud.
a) I love myself, therefore…
b) I love myself, therefore…
c) I love myself, therefore…
What was that like for you? How did that feel? Discuss with your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Icebreaker: Share a challenge you faced in setting a boundary and how you handled it.

Melanie

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q24 - Study the list of codependent behaviors on page 44. Describe what each behavior could look
like within physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, & sexual boundaries.
Let’s take lying for example:
o Lying physically might be hiding my actions from others.
o Lying emotionally may be telling myself or others “I’m FINE,” when I’m not.
o Lying intellectually may be expressing a lie overtly or covertly to manipulate the flow of
information or avoiding a confrontation.
o Lying spiritually may be believing “I’m not enough” or believing “I’m a mistake.”
o Lying sexually may be saying “yes” when I really want to say “no.”
Now explore your own meanings to all the words on this list. Did you think of any additional
unhealthy behaviors? Jealousy? Bullying?
This can be a spoken or written exercise. Take your time. Share your feelings & insights about
this exercise with your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Icebreaker: Tell us about a book, podcast, or resource that has inspired you recently.

Avery

Back-up: Melanie
Topic: Q25 - Read the three sections on pages 114-116. “What is enmeshment?” “What is detachment?”
and “What is the difference between detachment and avoidance?” What insights came up for
you? How do healthy boundaries apply to these topics? Discuss.
Icebreaker: What’s one thing you did this week that brought you joy?

Cody

Back-up: Avery
Topic: Q26 - Obtain and read the CoDA pamphlet "Communication & Recovery" from your CoDA
literature person. Read & thoroughly discuss each paragraph.
Straight-talking, asking for clarity, and practicing healthy communication skills are all part of a
solid foundation for your recovery program. How does blaming, criticizing, and/or making
demands undermine healthy & loving communication? Are you willing to negotiate in your
relationships with others? Discuss. Write about this in your journal.
Discuss the saying “Clarity is loving, and mixed messages are abusive.” Has anyone ever given
you a vague or mixed message? How did that feel? What was the outcome? How would
“clarity” have worked better in that situation? Write about this in your journal.
Have you ever experienced unhealthy communication containing 1) silence or violence? 2)
blaming or not taking responsibility? 3) criticizing? 4) demands or threats? Why do these cause
communication to suffer?
Discuss the benefits of using compassionate communication.
o Making observations instead of judging,
o Expressing feelings knowing they are caused by your needs
o Making requests to get your needs met instead of making demands
o Negotiating win / win (or no deal) strategies
Icebreaker: Reflect on a time when you practiced saying "no" without feeling guilty.

Lindsey

Back-up: Cody
Topic: Q27 - Loving Ourselves Unconditionally & The Grieving Process: Discuss the affirmation “The
pain that I might feel by remembering cannot be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and
not remembering.” In the safety of recovery, we become willing to heal by compassionately
acknowledging our original painful experiences and setting intentions for healthy experiences in
our future; to let the iced up, frozen feelings from our past melt away so that eventually only love
and peace remains within us. This may be a sporadic or ongoing process. However, it is only
possible to do this deeply if you truly love yourself unconditionally. Discuss the principle of
unconditional love. Write about this in your journal. Are you willing to love yourself
unconditionally?
Icebreaker: Share a strategy you use to stay present and mindful during stressful moments.

Melanie

Back-up: Lindsey
Topic: Q28 - When we accept our true feelings about the past and grieve the loss of what did and did not
happen, it loses its power over us. We learn to accept our past just as it happened. To “accept”
does not mean we have to like it. When we accept what happened and see how we responded,
we gain clarity. Sometimes the "death of a dream" is more painful than grieving what actually
happened. Are you willing to grieve?
Icebreaker: What’s one positive affirmation or mantra that helps you stay motivated in your recovery?

Back-up:
Topic: Q29 - Read the section on pages 124-125, “How do I apply my recovery to my relationships?” All
healthy relationships require your consistent time, patience, attention, and nurturing. Discuss
how you can:
o effectively set healthy boundaries
o communicate with others safely and respectfully
o responsibly share feelings, wants, and needs in relationship.
Share your insights and plans with your sponsor or co-sponsor.
Icebreaker: Describe a relationship in your life that supports your personal growth and well-being.

Back-up:
Topic: Q30 - Read the last three paragraphs of Step Four on page 49 beginning with "When we look...".
Focus on the last paragraph. What is the definition of the word “humility?” It is a guiding
spiritual principle of our recovery. How is humility:
o The opposite of judging & criticizing?
o The opposite of better than & less than roles?
o The opposite of rightness & wrongness attitudes?
o The opposite of blame & shame?
o The opposite of control & manipulation & making demands?
How does humility relate to equality? Write about this in your journal. Discuss.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q31 - Making the list: Take blank paper and make five columns across the top of each page:
o Name/Relationship
o My Codependent Patterns (Pgs. 4-7)
o My Actions & Behaviors (Refer to The List on Page 44)
o My Underlying Feelings (i.e.: Sad, Angry, Frightened, Fear of Not Being Good Enough,
Shame, Guilty, Defiant, Arrogant, Etc.)
o Consequences To the Relationship.
Make Page #1 for your Higher Power and Page #2 for Self. Also make pages for your
partner/mate, exes, children, friends, family members, co-workers, and people with whom you
participate in your various activities. How many people are on your list? Leave lots of space to
write. Also, is there any other person (present or past) with whom you would feel uncomfortable
if they came into the room? Add them to your list also. Just create the empty matrix right now.
There will be plenty of time to fill in the other columns and rows.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q32 - Taking the inventory: You can do this! Take it slow and easy. We are going to take one
pattern at a time. [Suggestion: Begin each session with a prayer inviting your Higher Power to
look at this with you. Remember your relationship history with this person. Ask yourself
questions about your behaviors with each person on your list. Set your timer and spend only 10-
15 minutes at a time, no more than three times a day.]
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q33 - CONTROL PATTERNS:
(Suggestion: read the whole question before; decide which ones apply to you.)
o Have you ever believed this person was incapable of taking care of themselves?
o Have you ever attempted to convince this person what to think, do, or feel?
o Have you ever thought you knew better how this person should be living their life than
they did?
o Have you ever freely offered advice and direction to this person without being asked?
o Have you ever become resentful when this person declined your help or rejected your
advice or requests?
o Have you ever lavished gifts and favors on this person? Did you want to influence them?
manipulate them? or rescue them from having their negative feelings and/or experiencing
negative consequences?
o Have you ever used flirting or your appearance to seek sexual attention to gain this
person's approval and acceptance?
o Have you ever had the desire to feel needed to have a relationship with this person?
o Have you ever demanded that your needs be met by this person?
o Have you ever used charm and charisma to convince this person of your capacity to be
caring and compassionate?
o Have you ever used criticism, blame and shame to exploit this person emotionally? Have
you ever taken their personal inventory? Have you ever told them what is wrong with
them?
o Have you ever refused to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate? Silence/Violence Cycle?
o Have you ever adopted an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to
manipulate outcomes with this person?
o Have you ever used recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of this person?
o Have you ever pretended to agree with this person to get what you wanted?
Read the sections on pages 120-122 “What Are Physical & Aggressive Forms of Abuse &
Control?” and “What Are Non-Physical & Passive Forms of Abuse & Control?” Discuss how
Control Patterns are abusive.
Re-read the section on pages 122-123 “What is the difference between blame and
accountability?” What does taking responsibility feel like? How do responsible people talk? How
do they act? What do they believe to be true? When we stop longing for others to make us happy,
we can look to ourselves and to our Higher Power. Write about this in your journal. Share your
insights with your sponsor or co-sponsor and at meeting level.
Do you have any resentments toward this person? What are they? What vulnerable feelings are
buried under your resentments?
Have you ever judged them as not being good enough? Have you ever offered them advice and
guidance without being asked? Have you ever felt frustration when they refused your offers to
help? Have you ever felt anger or frustration when they saw the situation differently than you?
Have you had problems of money with this person? You cannot have a healthy relationship with
people until you have a healthy relationship with money. Have you ever given a gift to this
person and then had a resentment later? Have you done favors for this person and then had a
resentment when they didn’t reciprocate?
Do you have a struggle with being right or being wrong with this person? Are you right and
therefore they are wrong? Are they right and therefore you are wrong?
Do you have a need to be right? perfect? Were you taught that “being right” meant you were
safe, powerful, and in control? It may feel frightening to imagine letting go of the need to be right, but this is an old behavior based on your childhood survival skills and it no longer serves
you well. Discuss these ideas.
Do you have worries or obsessions? Worry or obsession is another behavior you may have used
to survive life. What do you think about during the day? If you could figure out everything that
could go wrong, then can you be prepared for everything? How does that work out? Can you see
that worry is also a form of control?
How is arrogance a form of control? What is the difference between being humble and being
arrogant? What is the difference between humility and humiliation? How can honest humility
help you open the door to accepting & loving yourself just as you are?
Continue with each person on your list. Keep completing the columns to the right on each sheet.
If you need help, ask your sponsor or co-sponsor for more clarity.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q34 - AVOIDANCE PATTERNS:
o Have you ever acted in ways that invited this person to reject, shame, or express anger
toward you?
o Have you ever judged what this person thought, said, or did harshly?
o Have you ever avoided emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain
distance from this person?
o Have you ever allowed addictions to people, places, and things to distract you from
achieving intimacy in this relationship?
o Have you ever used indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation
with this person?
o Have you ever diminished your capacity to have a healthy relationship with this person
by declining to use the tools of recovery?
o Have you ever suppressed your feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable with this
person?
o Have you ever pulled this person toward you, but when they got close, pushed them
away?
o Have you ever refused to give up your self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater
than yourself?
o Have you ever believed displays of emotion were a sign of weakness?
o Have you ever withheld expressions of appreciation to this person?
Continue with each person on your list. Keep completing the columns to the right on each sheet.
If you need help, ask your sponsor or co-sponsor for more clarity.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q35 - DENIAL PATTERNS:
o Have you ever had difficulty identifying what you were feeling about this person?
o Have you ever minimized, altered, or denied how you truly felt about this person?
o Have you ever perceived yourself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being
of this person?
o Have you ever lacked empathy for the feelings and needs of this person?
o Have you ever labeled this person with your negative traits?
o Have you ever thought you could take care of yourself without any help from this
person?
o Have you ever masked your pain from this person in various ways such as anger, humor,
or isolation?
o Have you ever expressed negativity or aggression toward this person in indirect and
passive ways?
o Have you ever not recognized the unavailability of this person to whom you were
attracted?
When we catch ourselves blaming & accusing others or see painful patterns repeating, we can
recognize it as a “red flag.” We can perceive it as a gift to help us recognize that we may be in
denial of a disowned feeling or dealing with an unresolved issue.
Read the first paragraph on page 48. What is meant when it says, “putting another person’s face
on an individual, not allowing us to see their true selves?” Are you willing to discover how you
have unknowingly created similar or unhealthy and abusive patterns within your adult
relationships? Are you willing to become accountable for these behaviors even though you
learned them from your childhood?
Read the section on pages 119-120 “What is projection?" How is projection a denial pattern?
Why is recognizing, understanding and healing your disowned parts vital to recovery?
Have you ever heard these sayings?
o “The Boney-Finger Disease.”
o “Projection makes Perception”
o “If you spot it, you got it!”
Discuss these concepts. How do they apply to codependency? Describe how these sayings relate
to the deep inner healing work of integrating your disowned parts.
Continue with each person on your list. Keep completing the columns to the right on each sheet.
If you need help, ask your sponsor or co-sponsor for more clarity.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q36 - LOW SELF ESTEEM PATTERNS:
o Have you ever had difficulty with making decisions? with procrastination? with
perfectionism?
o Have you ever judged what you thought, said, or done harshly, as never good enough?
o Have you ever been embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts?
o Have you ever valued this person’ approval of your thinking, feelings, and behavior over
your own?
o Have you ever perceived yourself as not a lovable or a worthwhile person?
o Have you ever sought recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than?
o Have you ever had difficulty admitting a mistake?
o Have you ever needed to appear to be right in the eyes of this person and may have even
lied to look good?
o Have you ever been unable to identify or ask for what you needed and wanted?
o Have you ever perceived yourself as superior to this person?
o Have you ever looked to this person to provide your sense of safety?
o Have you ever had difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects?
o Have you ever had trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries?
How can positive affirmations and positive self-talk help heal your low self-esteem patterns?
Continue with each person on your list. Keep completing the column
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q37 - COMPLIANCE PATTERNS:
o Have you ever been extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long?
o Have you ever compromised your own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger
from this person?
o Have you ever put aside your own interests to do what this person wanted?
o Have you ever been hypervigilant regarding the feelings of this person and taken on those
feelings?
o Have you ever been afraid to express your beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they
differed from those of this person?
o Have you ever accepted sex and/or sexual attention when you really wanted love?
o Have you ever made decisions without regard to the consequences?

Have you ever given up your truth to gain the approval of this person or to avoid change?
Continue with each person on your list. Keep completing the columns to the right on each sheet.
If you need help, ask your sponsor or co-sponsor for more clarity.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q38 - A Balanced Perspective Inventory: Read three paragraphs on pages 48-49 beginning with
"To thoroughly explore and understand...." We must also explore our strengths, assets, and
positive behaviors. On blank paper make new grids with five columns. On these new lists, add
the people who did not experience your codependent behaviors. Identify your positive, healthy,
appropriate, and loving behaviors in your relationship with each person. (Suggestion: Start by
using the list of your positive attributes you've been compiling. Also refer to the “Recovery
Patterns of Codependence” on www.coda.org.)
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q39 - As you come to the end of your Step Four and Step Five work, read the sections on pages
116-117 “Am I Ever Recovered from Codependence?” and “What Is a Codependent Slip?”
Write your insights in your journal. Have you seen any of the codependent patterns repeating
over and over as common threads in relationships?
Read the last paragraph on page 49 in Step Four beginning with “From the place of humility,
we’ve become ready to complete Step Five.” Have you gained humility and a healthier
relationship with yourself through this inventory process? Discuss being "right-sized."
Read Step Five on pages 49-52. Discuss the principle of accountability. Re-read the last three
paragraphs on page 52 in Step Five. We realize that only through God's grace have we come this
far. Discuss.
Icebreaker:

Back-up:
Topic: Q40 - Have you noticed that while sharing your answers to these questions with your sponsor or co-
sponsor you have simultaneously completed Step Five?
Icebreaker:

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Icebreaker:

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